Me??!!

Cancer? Unbelieveable! Me? No way! It's always someone else we're talking about, whispering about, feeling sorry for, making meals for, praying for. Not me.
Breast cancer? That can't be. I have breast cancer?
That's difficult to say. I have breast cancer. Difficult to accept.
My new reality.
I was trying to come up with something clever, like BCD, ACD (before cancer diagnosis, after cancer diagnosis) But the truth is, right now, 10 days after hearing the words 'there is a finding that must be dealt with', and then in the next sentence or two, 'breast cancer', it's not dominating my days the way I always thought something like this would.
I thought there would be this constant feeling of dread hanging over me, keeping me from falling into a peaceful sleep at night, and the first thing that would come to mind upon waking. To compare, disagreements with Marc, or behavior issues with my kids have elicited these feelings. On several occasions. So I'm really surprised that 'breast cancer' isn't crossing my mind every 5 minutes.
You know how when, you either want to get pregnant and can't, or you don't want to be pregnant and your period's late, pregnant women are everywhere? That's kind of how it's been since I received a call to come back for a repeat mammogram and ultrasound. Television commercials for the many cancer treatment centres in our area. Donation solicitations in the mail for the American Cancer Society, St. Jude's, Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, you name it. Granted, there have also been requests from The Red Cross, Habitat, and Haiti Relief, but those don't get my attention as readily these days.
I'm afraid to tell people. I think they'll start looking at me differently. Truthfully, I have several friends and acquaintances who have battled breast cancer in the last few years, and everytime I see them, I think of that. One of Nick's classmate's mothers, whom I cross paths with maybe once a year now, faced off and beat breast cancer four or five years ago. That once a year, when I see her, I still recall that.
I'm not sure why. Is it because breast cancer, as a woman, is so much more relateable and consequently, feared? We can certainly empathize.
My dear friend Elise and I were talking about this the day after my diagnosis. As someone who was diagnosed with mental illness several years ago, she compared her situation to mine, in that some people seem to view her differently now. She's always been very open and honest about it, as I would like to be.
I don't think 'mental illness' when I see Elise. Now, perhaps that's because I see her quite regularly. I do realize that hers is a lifelong battle.  She appears to be coping well. I don't view her differently.
We agreed that a cancer diagnosis is almost always thought of as a battle for your life, and one that some folks don't win. That might be why I look those people differently. Why I always think of that.
And now, I'm one of those people!
Right now, the few people who know, don't look at me differently. At least I don't feel like they are. They are awesome. They are loving. They are supportive. They are on my side. They're determined to help me through this. For that I am so very thankful.