Hot Flashes, Night Sweats and Bed Head

I wish I had posted more frequently here. While there wasn't much going on, there was 'stuff' worth noting. So again, I need to catch up a bit.

I was expecting the next step to be my first mammogram since my diagnosis, scheduled for March 26th. But in the weeks leading up to it, I realized that my left breast was hot, especially compared to my right. So I called my ObGyn, who suggested I call my surgeon. After an office visit, I was put on antibiotics. We both agreed I seemed to have something like mastitis, some sort of infection. I had also had a fever, but had come down with a cold at that time. So there really weren't too many other symptoms.

Two weeks of erythromycin didn't change anything. A different antiobiotic for a shorter duration was prescribed. I had already moved up my mammogram once, which made necessary the rescheduling of my April 4 appointment with my radiation oncologist. So I kept the new April 6 diagnostic mammogram, and was scheduled to see my radiation oncologist on May 2. I was in the midst of the second round of antibiotics when I had my mammogram. Read by a radiologist while I was there, I was informed that it looked fine, and that if there was some sort of infection, it wouldn't show up on the mammogram. It was suggested that I follow up those concerns with one of my doctors and left at that.

I decided that instead of continuing with the surgeon that I would wait until my appointment with my radiation oncologist, Dr. H. My surgeon had told me that radiation can sometimes result in mastitis, so I thought I could look into this possibility further when I met with Dr. H.

I was reassured with Dr. H's explanation of healing, which can take up to a year. As when the tip of my finger can feel hot when I have a cut there, so does my left breast, occasionally. It is still healing. I have no other symptoms. Dr. H assured me that I have no infection.

I will see him in 6 months, at which time we'll decide if I should have a mammogram at that point, or wait for a year. In a recent study that Dr. H had been involved in, 87 patients with my type of bc, who had been advised to have mammograms in 6 months, saw no change at that time and no difference in the first 6 month mammogram, and the subsequent 6 month one. While I have a letter that states I should have a mammogram in 6 months (from the radiologist), so legally, that is what I should be doing, I'm comfortable making that decision after my next appointment with Dr. H.

So, back to the hot flashes. The hot flashes. They've become worse in the last month, waking me more frequently at night. I sleep on a towel, with another on my pillow. Intense enough to wake me several times a night, I go back and forth between flipping off the covers, laying spread eagle atop them, and once I've 'dried off' huddling back under the covers, chilled. Back and forth.

Daytime is similar. No turtlenecks this winter. Not even long sleeved shirts most of the time. Layers, baby, layers! Tank tops or short sleeve tees, under a light sweater. That sweater is off, then on, then off again, then on. The biggest problem during the day is that I get wet and chilled more easily than at night. Marc, the kids, and close friends just smile and nod, and if they're too close, move away til it passes. Cuz I'm hot to the touch. Hot to be around. Impossible to cuddle until it passes!

When I saw my medical oncologist, Dr. N, in January, she gave me a prescription for an antidepressant. Apparently, an unanticipated side effect of some antidepressants is that they temper the severity of hot flashes. Might mean a peaceful night's sleep, something I haven't had in several months! But when I told Marc, he thought adding another drug to the mix was unwise. I now take synthroid and tamoxifen upon waking. The antidepressant would be taken at night. Every night.

So for now, the bottle of antidepressants sits untouched. When I wake and ruffle the covers or rise to dry myself or grab an extra blanket, Marc rolls over and goes back to sleep. Sometimes, he continues snoring, seemingly unaware. I think he's become accustomed to my increased tossing and turning and is able to stay sleeping.

Wish I could. Stay sleeping that is! I rarely wake in the morning feeling well rested, and have found myself to be less productive in the evenings. I'm often dozing off before the kids are in bed. Frequently, I wake after 10, temporarily rested, and can't fall back asleep for an hour or two. I'm now realizing that I need to make the most of that time and take care of some chore, or perhaps update my blog during that time.

The combination of those soggy nights and ever changing hair length has also made for some interesting bed head looks in the morning. No more running out to the bus stop without a peek in the mirror first. Some adjustment is usually required. I'll try a bit of water and fluffing up the flat spots to even out the look. Most of the time that works, but sometimes, it just makes my hair wild, giving it a life of its own. Last week I had one of those mornings, and I'm sure my flyaway 'do' was the reason for the strange looks and stares from the windows of Gaby's bus last week.

But most days, after washing, it doesn't look too bad. Curlier than it's ever been, it is indeed easy, even though any kind of style is somewhat limited!

My curls, last Saturday. Darker than I was wearing it, this is my own colour. And the bits of grey are so evenly distributed that they're not really noticeable. At first, my hair reminded me of my Mom's, the look she achieves with regular perms and styling. Lately, the wave in the front remind me more of my Dad's hair. The length too!

All a part of the process of recovery, healing, and moving on.

Thoughts On Hair

I've written this post over and over in my head, but never put it to paper, so to speak.  As time goes on and my hair starts to grow once again, I want to record as much as I can remember about this time of hairlessness.

Losing my hair as a result of chemo was not traumatic, but certainly a bit of a shock. Especially when handfuls of my long locks started falling away from my head. I was shedding more than Roxi!

But this is about more than the hair on my head. Chemo did a number on most of the hair on my body, especially that which I shaved or plucked -- it just ceased to grow.

I really didn't miss shaving my legs and pits, and loved giving the tweezers a rest. No brows or chinny chin chin hairs to rid myself of.

While the summer heat made me feel worse during chemo, it was nice to have smooth, if a bit pasty, chicken legs those times I ventured outside.

Actually, feeling crappy it was nice not to have to invest a lot of time in grooming. Showers were pretty quick. A little spot of shampoo on my scalp, nothing to shave. In and out in no time. And once I was out, I didn't have to deal with drying or styling my hair. 

I saved time and money, though the cash was redirected to headcovers.com,  a site from which I ordered several scarves and hats.

Chemo does different things to different people. I was frightened by the long list of side effects prior to starting, and relieved that, as with most drugs and medications, most don't apply.

Something else that Marc and I both noticed was how very smooth my skin was. Everywhere. My legs, my arms, my back. My elbows, which are always rough and wrinkly. Smooth. Break outs were minimal in the places that are usually problem areas.

Its been almost 2 months since I finished chemo. Besides eating and feeling more like myself, my skin has returned to its normal, and my hair is growing back. Sparse leg hairs, not much to pluck on my brows and chin, and almost a quarter inch of dark and grey on my scalp. I've gone from the soft pink puppy belly, to soft and fuzzy like new growth on a baby's head.

Sometimes, I go bare headed. Always at home, but occasionally, when I'm out. Truthfully, it's just been too cold lately to keep my head uncovered. I actually find the back of my neck even colder, as I'm used to having hair hanging down to keep it warm at this time of year.

Every night as I'm crawling into bed, the thought crosses my mind that I have to let my hair down before I lay down. It's not hanging around my face, so my first thought is that its pulled back. It happens every time. I truly forget that I don't have any hair on my head. Or at least, not much.

I may have mentioned this before, but walking around with no hair on my head draws attention, sympathetic looks, and prompts people to share stories with me. Often stories of their own status as a cancer survivor.

No one would ever wish to be battling cancer, but I must say its been an experience I don't regret. I don't wish it on anyone. But I do cherish the encounters with strangers, and the time and support of friends and family. The health care professionals. The strength and love and courage of everyone. Humankind is good.

Like A Puppy's Belly!

That's what my scalp feels like right now. There's so little hair left that I can get a good feel! Soft and a bit loose in spots. Reminds me of Roxi's 'pink part' as we liked to refer to the hairless part of her belly when she was very young. It's still pink but the fur has long since grown in, and it's just not as soft. But we now have my scalp to recall that memory. Though it's not as cute!

The Awesome Annmarie!

Check us out!!

Don't we look beeyouteafull?!! We both have Annmarie to thank for that! She always looks amazing and makes magic with my hair, which at the best of times is somewhat fine and sparse. She manages to make it look and feel wonderful.

But she really rose to the challenge yesterday, when I showed up with easily half my normal head of hair and asked her to shorten it.

The last time I wore my hair short was 10 years ago when I was pregnant with Gaby. And I didn't really care for the style then. But it wasn't Annmarie who was caring for my hair then, so perhaps that's why!

Yesterday, she worked magic and we both loved  the result, as did Jean, who was actually 'processing' while I was there.

I came with clean wet hair. Not my norm, but given the amount that I was shedding, I chose to take care of it at home rather than ask that of Annmarie. It was coming out by the handfulls. In my wise decision to stop brushing it after last washing it on Tuesday, I think I made the situation worse. I always put my hair up in the summer heat, and when I took it down Thursday night before bed, it was a loose and matted mess. Except that this time, when I was trying to untangle the matts, the hair would just come away from my head. Kind of creepy, actually. Once it's away and gone that's fine, but pulling my hand away from my head and seeing what I call gorilla hands (hands covered in hair, like when we bathe Roxi!) is a very strange feeling. Knowing that it's your own hair.

What was also weird was looking at my hair, and part (line, as Gaby calls it) before stepping into the shower yesterday morning and seeing how much it had 'widened' once I was done.

However, you wouldn't have known how little Annmarie had to work with when you saw the final result. She actually started cutting with a different style in mind, then changed her mind halfway through. An artist with a vision!

I love it and wish I had more time to enjoy it!

Written advice and accounts that I've read about chemo and hair loss suggest cutting your hair short before you start losing it. But a part of me still didn't know, for sure, if I was going to lose it. You don't really believe it until it starts to happen. Nurse Betty didn't say I might lose my hair, she said I WOULD lose it. And she should know! Even now, it's happening, and I know it will be gone soon, but I still can't envision it all gone. I do know that now that I have my new hair style, I wish I had cut it sooner.

Annmarie styled and scrunched it and used hairspray not only to hold the style, but to hold those hairs in place a little longer. It looked great all day, for my lunch and trip to IKEA with Nary, for my dinner at LuLu with Marc and for my night out with Carole and Elizabeth to finally see Eclipse. (I'll also mention that Nick spent the afternoon and evening with friends celebrating one of their birthdays, Gaby enjoyed another marathon Monopoly game with Sarah all afternoon, and Marc got his weekend off to an early start with a Friday afternoon round of golf)

I always enjoy my appointments with Annmarie. A chance to catch up and laugh. Yesterday was as much fun as always. Occasionally, there are other clients there and they're always nice people too. Jean was certainly no exception.

I'm thankful that Gaby came along to snap photos, even though I think a visit with Buddy the dog was more her motivation.

I'm thankful for Annmarie and the gift of this haircut. Yes, when she was done, I was told that this was a gift. Thank you Annmarie! You know how much I love it and as I said, I only wish I could enjoy it for longer.

Gaby snapped quite a few pictures from different angles, so we do have some images to reference when it starts to grow back and I finally have enough hair to style again.

Many people who experience hair loss due to chemo find that when their hair begins to grow back it can be a different colour, thicker, curlier. I'm hoping for all of those, unless the different colour is all grey! Though Annmarie also works wonders with colour, so that should be the least of my worries.

Many say that hair loss is the most traumatic of the chemo ordeal. Too early to say at this point, but it's certainly strange and unlike anything else I've experienced. I'm sure I'll have a better idea after a few months of hairlessness. But what I can say is that, like everything else I've been through since my breast cancer diagnosis, going through it with the love and support of so many amazing people, family, friends and sometimes even strangers, is what makes it manageable. They certainly buoy me.

Thanks again Annmarie!

Hair Today, Gone Friday

Trac, the timing of the scarf was perfect. I will, in fact, need it!

Monday night, when I took the pony tail holder out of my hair, more hair than usual came with it. Yesterday morning, when I ran my fingers through my hair, same thing. My friend Elizabeth compared it to hair after childbirth, when we start losing it again. I thought that was a good comparison, cuz it's coming out by the handfuls.

And yesterday when I was showering and gingerly shampooing my hair I thought how ironic it was that I had to be so very cautious with the remaining locks on my head, and still had to worry about shaving my legs and pits. The tweezers aren't going to get a break either, from what I can tell.

Last weekend, my hair started feeling 'sore'. You know that feeling when your hair's been up/tied back for too long? You really notice it when you release it, as if it's been bent the wrong way for too long. Well, I realized my entire scalp had been feeling that way and didn't put two and two together til yesterday. I'm guessing it's all part of literally letting go of my hair.

I went out for coffee last evening with some girlfriends. Except for some Moroccan Oil, I made no attempt at further product or styling. Everytime I touch my hair, long strands fall away. So I went out with wet hair, and as it dried, I felt more hairs falling on my arms and shoulders, a tickle here and there. Shedding like crazy!

I realized I had to take the next step, and was lucky enough to reach Annmarie yesterday afternoon. I have an appointment Friday at noon for a short crop and we'll probably have to follow up in a week or two with the clippers. Sadly, I'm not the first person she's had to do this for, so at least one of us will know what to expect. I've trusted her with my hair for years and I'm so glad she's around and available to do this for me. Being summer, I wasn't sure if that would be the case, so I'm thankful it worked out. I feel much better placing myself in her hands.

I'm no longer brushing my hair as I'm trying to preserve it for as long as possible. I'm looking forward to a pixie cut on Friday. Something along the lines of Ellen's style perhaps. The only problem is that I can't style it and it's really starting to look unhealthy already, though that could be the lack of product that I'm too cheap to now 'waste' on my hair!

I tried to snap a 'last' picture of my hair this morning. I was getting ready to dash out the door for my 8:00 mall walk, and thought I tried myself, as the kids were still in bed. Now Manon does great self-portraits with her camera. I cannot. What you see is the best of a dozen attempts. Granted, I was rushed. But none were good. I didn't find this out til after I came home from my walk and put my hair up in a lovely camo scarf to bake cookies.

Be assured that I feel better than I look in this picture! Hadn't washed my face or applied make up of any sort, though there might be some of yesterday's residue. My hair's already looking sparse, though as I said, the brush is put away, so that doesn't help it's appearance.

Good morning!!

Yesterday's mail brought another surprise package, similar in size and shape to Tracey's from the day before. I should also mention that Tracey and Brenda, the sender of this package, are former co-workers and some of my potluck girlfriends.

It was another beautiful scarf in different, yummy colours, and the same lightweight cotton and fringe. Very 

cool!

 

More emotion this time. Not because of the sender, though Brenda and Tracey would like to argue that!  Because in the time that passed from receiving that the first one on Monday to the second one yesterday, I realized that I would need them. Something else that I will keep close to me, from two dear friends who are so close to my heart.